Depression

Does it seem odd that in the middle of the summer, I get something like seasonal affective disorder? At this time last year, I was in the middle of complete insanity. We had invited an unemployed friend to live with us in December 2008, which always sounds like a benevolent thing to do, in theory. Turns out, he was a manic homebody. I mean, he was home all the time. And manic much of the time. By July 2009, after 7 months of this very messy situation, I was becoming completely unspooled. My Protestant upbringing didn't allow for the possibility that we could have just asked him to find somewhere else. I truly thought we could work it out, that I needed to be more accommodating, more patient. In other words, change my entire personality. We might have been able to save a long-term friendship. Living together is often the worst thing to do to a relationship.

My kids are older now. Life is calmer now, quieter. And yet, I can barely function these days. Maybe the fact that I'm upright now, writing, not crying under the covers, means that I'm getting better. My depression manifests as an overwhelming sense of irritability. I yell and scream and cry. I hyperventilate over the most mundane aspects of daily life. I ignore my wife and kids, stop paying attention to friendships, forget people's names, appointments. My brain goes into safe mode. My body feels pain everywhere.

I am not medicated for my depression. I don't know why it doesn't seem like the solution at this point. When it lifts, I forget about it, learn to find my flow again. It's been many years when suicide was on the table for me. Usually I can exercise enough to produce the appropriate mood enhancers. I listen to music. I laugh a lot. Maybe it's not enough. It's something I'm always open to reevaluating. But right now, I'm just trying to ride this leaky boat until I hit the shore.

LGBT Families Day - Why Am I a Mother? Because It Is So Glamorous!

Just found out that it is Blogging for LGBT Families Day. So, what to say about our family....

Becca and I were a family sometime in the late-90's. When that day happened I can't tell you. Maybe it happened in stages, like the way livers regenerate cells every 7 years. It certainly took less than 7 years for us to integrate fully as a family. There was the first date, in a cafe on a busy corner in Berkeley, January 1996. There was that first week, the first month, the first vacation with her extended family, the first year, the break-up, the getting back together, the second year, the proposal, the first wedding. There have been 3. But that's another post.

So, if I were to nail down a time when we were a "family", it was sometime between my decision to commit, fully, to who we would be together, and a marriage proposal on day 5 of a 10 day 100 mile backpacking trip in the Sierras. We were already a family, the two of us. And then the wedding, which we did in 1999 without expectation of state sanction, on the third anniversary of our first date in that cafe. And that wedding sealed forever our undying commitment to this life together. We knew nothing would stop us from having children, which was what both of us wanted passionately.

After years of me trying to get pregnant - turns out one uterus in the family would not cooperate - then half a year exploring the foster care system, which was definitely a great option, but we weren't about to wait around for the system to work for us. They didn't call us back until Becca was 6 months pregnant with Owen. For those uninitiated in the adoption/foster care process, the state will not put a child in the care of a family expecting a baby.

So anyway, turns out the second uterus was in working order. Almost ten years between that first date and Owen's birth. All the waiting and hoping and paperwork and trips to the sperm bank and those confused employees at the gas station who sold lesbians the dry ice every month - month after month. Years of explaining to people why we, inexplicably, might want to become parents. And then, there was Owen, his beet red face emerging on the cold November morning, pissed off and spectacular.

And we were a family of three. And then Amelia, 21 months later - equally pissed off, equally spectacular. Then there were 4 of us. And 2 and a half years later, I am sitting on the sofa with the kids watching Cyberchase. Becca's making turkey burgers in the kitchen. I'm in love with my family. I'm in love with my life.

Twisting, Twisting, Twisting

I married a professional clown. A semi-professional clown. Well, she twisted balloons in restaurants that paid her way to Europe for a month and can juggle, and everything. Even has the red wig. Mad magical skills to anyone under 10. Skills I haven't managed to pick up in the last 15 years.

Our kids are now at an age when swallowing balloon bits doesn't appeal to them, and so she has brought out the bag of special twisting balloons she's kept in one closet or another since 1993. And now the slightly unnerving squeaks grow and the pile of balloon animals get thicker with every passing day. One thing we've discovered is Amelia, now 2 and more than a half, has a natural aptitude for the activity. Give her an undoctored balloon and she's already twisting it into little balls, forming the ungodly creatures that lurk in her imagination. I won't be surprised if this is her first marketable skill.

Meanwhile, back in the depressing business land, where I have to a) take care of kids mostly full-time without maiming anybody, and b) be a professional grown-up with a personal training business, I have managed to spend about twice what I made in expenses for the 2009 tax year. This year, I'm working on beating that record with amazing alacrity. Twisting the cork for the cheap Trader Joe's Zinfandel always makes me feel like everything will be okay tomorrow.

Having a self-owned business with not exactly an identifiable brand or target market (hello Jillian from Biggest Loser!), I'm finding myself with a philosophical conundrum. I'm a middle child - I hate pigeonholing myself, so I find it nearly impossible to do that to others. Target markets, networking, demographics, internet marketing, auto-responders.

Shit. I can't help everyone, but I'd like to find a group of people who want what I have to give them. And once I do find them, I can help them.

I'm hanging on by a thread some days, just hoping the wind doesn't pick up. Oh, there it is. Twisting up there, feeling alone. I know I'm not alone, but today I feel alone. Maybe I should learn how to be more of a clown, twist some balloons, just to stay sane.

By the way, remind me to tell you why I haven't written here in almost a year. It's a long story.

You Know You're a Completely Stereotypical Lesbian When...

1. You have Saturday shorts that have nothing to do with exercise.
2. You put on your Saturday shorts, and they have a pocket full of screws.
   
3. When you put on your Saturday shorts, with a pocket full of screws, and you can't remember the project you were working on the last time you put on those shorts.
   

Wow, This was Unexpected

I was making a comment in one of my favourite blogs - Big Ass Belle - and Lynette, the blogger, was asking the question: Have you ever had a fear you thought you couldn't get over, then you did? Tell, please.

And this is what I wrote:

"I used to fear my mother's disappointment. I don't know if anyone knows the kind of fiery red-head my mother is. She was also raised by a fiery red-head - chain-smoker, journalist-born-too-soon, member of John Birch Society who used to grill me from her position at the dining room table: [takes long drag of cigarette] "So, what are you gonna do when you grow up?" I was terrified, I was 8.
And so, my mother, raised by that woman who never wanted to become that woman, became a version of that woman, minus the cigs.
I kept my girlfriend a secret. For 3 years, she was my wonderful room-mate whom my mother LOVED. And then, she became my wife, and all hell broke loose.
It wasn't until we had kids that the fucking shit hit the fan - Prop. 8, her activism, my 3 year old's new questions. And I decided that I loved my children light years more than I wanted her respect. And that was that. I wasn't afraid anymore."

I'm not sure how long my estrangement with my mother (and by extension, my father) will last . I hope we will reconcile at some point before her health deteriorates - she's now 70 in somewhat poor, though not dire, health. I'm not expecting her views to change, I've never expected that. She believes with everything in her being that my relationship is sub-par, destructive, and vile. It will infect the "healthy" heterosexual relationships around me and force my children to follow into the "lifestyle" as a requirement for securing my love.
Okay. But the thing is: I used to believe these things. And it had very little to do with the people in actual gay relationships, and way more to do with my slavish devotion to a cultural mindset (and my own fears of the gay). Would I have maintained that mindset if I hadn't met Becca and instead, found some nice man who'd go along with my self-delusions? Honestly, probably. And I'd be one of those people I find so irritating today - self-righteous, bigoted, hard, small-minded. Well, I can never know.

But fear does horribly destructive things to your soul, and that is the TRUTH.

3 Hours of Sleep and Still Here...

Owen wakes Amelia, Amelia wakes Owen. We are all up, everyone in the house. Well, not Mabel. She lays on her pillow, oblivious to the human dramas. But if I make a beeline for the door to go after a critter, or a guy trying to steal my wheelbarrow, she's all over that. But no, it's just the kids, and she's immune to the crying in stereo.

So I'm trying to run a business and parent my kids and keep some semblance of a marriage. It's really late. I've sent the business e-mails out, updated the Facebook, and now will hope for more than the 3 hours we got last night. At least, I didn't sleep in the racecar bed. Poor Becca, I don't know how she does it. I'm crazy about that woman. And now, I get to hang out with her and be unconscious, 2 of my favourite things.

Funeral for Oakland

I decided to come in from doing yard work to watch a little of the funeral ceremony for the 4 Oakland Police officers shot and killed last week. The pipes are playing. It makes me think that these pipes mourn for the whole city. We feel like the police have taken the brunt of the violence and resentment for the entire city. If a police department is chronically understaffed by as much as 40 percent, public safety and trust will be crushed, and the city will deteriorate.

Fucking Ron Dellums. This is his fault. I can't believe the families let him show his face at this event. It's not like he's been showing up to DO HIS JOB since we elected the bastard.

I'm going to start calling my neighbourhood Wild West Oakland from now on.